The Silent Killer

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined That 'Self' Contains The Drug, Pride, Which Is Extremely Addicting And Is Known To Cause Death.

I recently prayed, "Make me humble, O Lord" but then, presumptuously, preposterously, added the clause, "but don't break me completely."

Bake me a cake but hold the flour, sugar, eggs and milk, will ya?

Rather like Augustine's famous prayer, "Lord, make me chaste, just not quite yet," I asked for the cake and wanted to eat it too. I am thankful He has a sense of humor and is a merciful and faithful God.

I think God purposed in my prayer, as it was, a revelation of self. Pride, you see, is the Silent Killer, and I think God has used this to show me, in gruesome detail, just how deeply my own pride runs. Once we are broken (and I am sure this is now a part of the breaking process) we no longer care where we were prideful. We no longer think of ourselves at all, becoming truly humble. But before that happens, I think God wants to show me my sin so that I may properly repent of it.

It was once said that conceit is the first sin to come and the last to go. It's the weed that seeds all the other sins in life. In asking God to show me my pride, He opened windows on Hell itself! Thankfully, believers are given assurance that we won't be setting foot there, lest I despair completely, for I see now that on every motive I hang a tag that says, PRIDE.

I speak to someone only to boost my standing in their eyes. I am a "pleaser of men," working, no matter how hard I try not to, more diligently in front of others. I even go out of my way to wear clothes that will make me appear more humble yet I can't comb my hair without wondering how Brad Pitt combs his. How we walk, what we eat, the projection of our voice, the words we choose, the intricate web of self that we throw up so we won't look so pale and thin.

Who is more proud than I? Perhaps none, but why do I even compare except to feed my own ego?

God did not purpose us to be pale and thin though. We are sons of Adam and daughters of Eve. That brings with it enough honor to raise the head of any beggar and enough shame to bow the shoulders of the greatest king. It is enough to be content(1). We are meant to shine with the Light of God, the light eternal and unwavering, brilliant, all consuming and yet, like the bush in the desert, non-destructive. Our own light however is pale and given to extinction, though it's hot enough to burn us to cinders and often does.

I figure that's why God must break us; the very material from which we make ourselves cannot withstand our own flame, much less the supernova of God. He must break us down in order to make us of firmer stuff.

Break me Lord, break me.

(1) Paraphrase from Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia.