What I'm going to say here may prove un-popular in light of many "modern techniques" of child-rearing. Dr. Spock's books have a lot of good stuff in them, but I have a better book. The Bible.
Okay, so if there are any questions after this (which, if there aren't, then you aren't a parent) I refer you to Tedd Tripp's "Shepherding a Child's Heart" series and class. Here is a quick link. He is a terrific teacher and a heck'ofa guy. I met him a few years ago when he came to Tokyo for a conference in child care and home schooling. Just a real stand up guy. Anyway, for troubled children and troubled parents, I haven't found a more concise and properly rounded series anywhere. Tripp's entire technique comes straight from the Bible. Proverbs and Psalms especially, but he has lots of experience putting this all together. The basic premise is:
1) Faith. Have faith that God will do His part... because He will.
2) Love. You gotta have love, everything else comes to naught without love.
3) Communication. This is absolutely key in everything, how you talk to your child and to your spouse, and most importantly, to God effects all else.
4) Discipline. Yes, "the rod." He condones spanking and I completely back him up in this. Before you let that vein on your forehead pop, know that you must never hurt or bruise, never do it publicly nor - and especially nor - in anger. Be firm and loving, patient and kind.
5) Consistency. If you aren't consistent, confusion ensues.
6) Knowing "when." This proves just as important as everything else. It avoids trouble, embarrassment and a lot of hassle.
Now, I'm sure I've spoken amiss somewhere, or will in the next bit, but like I say, I refer you to Tripp and I'll let him clear up anything I may have misspoke. But all in all, these things are basic.
Faith: we do this all with a firm belief that God's Word is sufficient and final. Each time discipline must be dealt, it is a chance to share Christ, share your own witness and bond with your child. Use the "rod" as is commanded all through Proverbs. Read scripture and fellowship with your child and put your focus on your spouse. This is very important. We learn by watching and the way you relate to your spouse will be perhaps the most influential factor in raising your child. The way you relate to God through Christ, and to others is secondary and to your child, perhaps tertiary. Tripp doesn't say that, but I do.
Love: If we love the Lord, God with all our heart, soul and might and love our neighbor as ourself, as commanded, this is a visible example of our faith to others around us and especially our child. Everything we do must be in love, but as love is often vague or misunderstood, I will continue this theme in explaining the rest of the points.
Communication: KEY! Absolutely key! Now, I know full well, as a parent, that we don't always have time to explain everything. I know that. Nor should you really have to. Learning to submit ourselves to Christ, or even our boss is hard and humbling. Learning to submit to a parent really isn't quite so hard, especially in the first few years. We must communicate why we do things - though not always give the details.
This is such a detailed and important part of the family life and Tripp's book, that I really recommend you read it. I can go into more detail if need be; please leave a comment and I'll be glad to answer any questions.
Discipline: Be loving and kind, never disciplining in anger. This is not license to beat or strike your child, under any circumstances! Spanking must be gentle, controlled and always try to talk to your child about what is happening and why.
As for other forms of discipline other than spanking, they at times, have their place, but not often. Be careful of what you teach your child. Grounding may become appropriate as the child gets older, but in the first few years only teaches that bad behavior causes distancing and to a young child may be read as "I don't love you" or "I don't like you," and rewarding good behavior only condones bribery and materialism. Anger and yelling only tell your child that anger and yelling are acceptable (ah! and spanking, you say, only condones hitting! I disagree. If you are communicating with your child and loving, this simply is not the case. Children hit without any prompting, but spanking isn't "hitting" in that sense anyway. This must be handled carefully and thoughtfully each time.) This kind of discipline takes a lot of time and attention, but no offense, what did we think child rearing was? Its not a past-time. It requires all of us. (Just as it requires of God on our behalf!)
Set down your rules first, give one warning the second time around, after that, no warnings. Just be consistent and be kind. Never hurt your child. Don't be afraid to wound your child's self-esteem. You create a monster if they harden their hearts in arrogance and defiance to you. Show them you love them, but be firm. I have heard arguments for never using your hand, but to use a paddle or brush, but personally, I disagree. I think an item in your hand for this reason is like a weapon. People say the hand should be one of love, but I think that is precisely what this is: God says that He disciplines the ones He loves. Children that are not disciplined are not loved. Read Proverbs carefully.
Show grace and diligence in this. Disciplining should not hurt your child but get his or her attention, and let them know that things are "not right." Do not nod or wink things away. Do not assume something is a "phase." It may be, but fix it. Assuming that children can figure things out on their own is fine for somethings, but not morals - humans are too bent on "self" for that.
In our house, we have one rule. Listen to Mommy and Daddy. There are too many other rules to have remember and too much that should be learned by oneself. "Don't touch fire" is good to teach once, but its hard to learn what "hot" is until you experience it. Learning to be obedient is perhaps the hardest thing to learn, but make no mistake, we must each learn it. Its far easier when we are young. Pride, defiance and anarchy stand opposite.
Morality, submission to authority, sacrifice, grace etc are difficult to learn for sure. Morality must be taught just like math must be taught and there are absolutes just as there are with math. Also, they can be miss-learned like the rules of algebra, only the answer not so obvious to the one learning. So be firm, be kind and be ...
Consistent: If you are not consistent in your faith, love, communication and especially in your discipline, confusion ensues. As an adult, I am confused by inconsistency in others. Your child will be even more so. They will learn faster and with more confidence in self and you and particularly in God should you show consistency in all you do. I cannot stress how important this is! Inconsistency shows weakness and insecurity on your part. For heaven's sake, don't impart that to your child!
Knowing when: Oh, we are proud creatures. Be careful, it is fragile, young life and we want to show our love for each other, so please, do not discipline when you are angry, in public or any other inappropriate situation. As your child grows, they will know what they are doing - my daughter knew she was disobeying and felt the guilt of it at 9 months!! - so as they get older they will remember what they had done wrong if you merely say, "we must talk when we get home."
Don't grab or yell or strike in anger and if you do, apologize to your child and admit your own sin. This is a great opportunity to witness! Don't think this shows weakness at all, indeed! It can establish trust perhaps better than any other situation, hands down. But be wary and honoring of your child's self-esteem and own privacy. Do not embarrass them nor denounce them in front of their friends. Take them aside if you must. As they get older, this will get more difficult, so it is important to start young.
All this takes a lot of hard work, and that is putting it lightly. But have faith, be loving and consistent, discipline and, of course, communicate as much as you can, in every way (this can be the most difficult, esp. for fathers). I highly recommend Tedd Tripp's series, yes, but reading the Bible, especially Proverbs with your children is a great start. As God says,
"Hear, Israel: the LORD is our God; the LORD is one: and you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. These words, which I command you this day, shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up."
Deut. 6:4-7 (emphasis added)
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